My sweet sister in the Lord, Joyce, shared this scripture with me last week. It gives one a lot to think about.

"May those who sow in tears
reap with shouts of joy!
He that goes forth weeping,
bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
bringing his sheaves with him."

Psalm 125-6


John Piper says that there is nothing sad about sowing, so why are they weeping? He states it's not the sowing, it's that the sowing needs to be done even if there are things in life that make us cry. That's the way of life. I do not feel like it, but I will take my bag of seeds and go out in the field and do my crying while I do my duty. I will sow in tears. If I do, the promise is that "you will reap with shouts of joy." Not because the tears produce the joy of reaping, but because the sheer sowing produces the reaping, and you need to remember this even when your tears tempt you to give up sowing.

The lesson according to Piper: When there are simple, straightforward jobs to be done and you are full of sadness, and tears are flowing easily, go ahead and do the jobs with tears. Say, "Tears, I feel you. You make me want to quit life. But there is a field to be sown (dishes to wash, car to be fixed, sermon to be written.) You'll just have to go with me as I take my bag of seeds to sow. I know it will not last forever. The very fact that I do my work will in the end bring a harvest of blessing."


This is a very loose summary of Piper's explanation of the above verses. To see it in its entirety, go to his website desiringGod.org. You'll be blessed!

(the above image is "The Corn Harvest", by Breugel)

I missed a few days here due to a week long stay in the hospital. First Tyler, then Wyoming Valley Geisinger. I was treated for 6 days with IV antibiotics, endured a LP (lumbar puncture), and 2 MRI's. The only thing that they (docs) told me is that there are no Lyme bacteria in my spinal fluid, which means my symptoms of fatigue, depression, and anxiety aren't caused by Lyme disease. We see the Neurologist on Wed. for the PD. Pray for us as we try to discern which route to take-conventional or unconventional medicine. Well, this was just an update, which I don't want this blog to be about, really.

I spent a lot of time wrestling with the Lord this past week, let me tell you. But guess where he spoke to me? While I was having a MRI on my brain at 11 o'clock at night!! Now if you have ever had an MRI you know it isn't very pleasant. It's somewhat like a torture chamber, actually! You're in an enclosed tube, with your head in a cage,and you can't move. But the worst part is the machine gun sounds that are aimed at your head, then clanging, then pistol sounds. This goes on for 45 minutes (which seems much longer!)

So I'm trying not to panic, praying of course, when I feel God speak to my heart and say "Just as this machine will never be able to capture an image of every part of your brain, neither will you be able to see every angle of what's been happening this past few months. And just as you are (trying) to rest in this machine so it can do its job, you must rest in me so I can do mine." Well, I started crying and praising God right in that torture chamber! And back in my hospital bed I slept with the sweet arms of Jesus around me that night. Praise Him!

Image: Rembrandt "Christ in the Storm"

Last night Richard was reading to me from a book given to me by his boss's wife. Entitled One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp, I highly recommend it for anyone who is desiring to live more fully in Christ. One sentence Richard read last night really struck me-"Anything less than gratitude and trust is practical atheism." Ouch!! I'm really struggling with both right now. Lord change me!

*I thought it might be a good time to mention that I didn't make up the name of my blog (Stepping Heavenward). It is the title of another must read by Elizabeth Prentiss.
** Image is a drawing by Durer entitled "Praying Hands"

Pain's furnace heat within me quivers,
God's breath upon the flame does blow;
And all my heart in anguish shivers
And trembles at the fiery glow;
And yet I whisper, "As God will!"
And in the hottest fire hold still.

He comes and lays my heart, all heated,
On the hard anvil, minded so
Into His own fair shape to beat it
With His great hammer, blow by blow;
And yet I whisper, "As God will!"
And at His heaviest blows hold still.

He takes my softened heart and beats it;
The sparks fly off at every blow;
He turns it o'er and o'er and heats it,
And lets it cool, and makes it glow;
And yet I whisper, "As God will!"
And in His mighty hand hold still.

Why should I complain? for the sorrow
Then only longer-lived will be;
The end may come, and will tomorrow,
When God has done His work in me;
So I say trusting, "As God will!"
And, trusting to the end hold still.

Julius Sturm

This poem is from a devotional entitled Streams in the Desert

God is so good! This evening I was lying on our bed under the fan doing some gentle arm and leg lifts. My mind was full of the day's physical, mental and spiritual struggles, of which there were many. I found myself in prayer, crying out to the Lord for patience, wisdom, forgiveness, assurance, and more than anything that he would restore my joy. I'm not talking "happy" here. I mean the deep down joy that comes from knowing the Risen Lord as Savior. The joy that one has regardless of circumstances. I can handle PD, I can handle nausea, I can handle depression, but I can't handle losing the joy of the Lord that has been in my heart all these years. I don't particularly believe in asking for signs, but I confess that I did ask for something to give me hope that his joy hasn't left me. Suddenly Richard came running into the room yelling for me to come quickly. I thought something was wrong. I followed him, both barefoot, into the back yard. The sun was shining, a gentle rain falling, and there in the eastern sky was the most beautiful rainbow that either of us had ever seen!! I stood there crying in my husbands arms, sharing with him my prayer. Now I don't think this means that all my troubles are over, but I do take it as a reminder that the Lord will never "flood" my life with more than I can handle and that his timing is perfect. Praise him!

Rough morning. Increase meds causing nausea. PD causing slowed movements. I feel like I'm in the boat with the disciples during a big storm on the Sea of Galilee and Jesus is sleeping while we are panicking. How can he sleep? He's awakened and rebukes the storm and says, "Where is your faith?" Three things strike me about this story. First, Jesus is in the boat with me during my storm, even though it may feel like He's sleeping, He is here. Second, with a few words, "Peace, be still" He calmed the storm and in the same way He can calm this storm in my life. Third, where is my faith? Is it in doctors or medicine or having a good day free of fear? While these are all good, my faith must be in Christ alone.

The image I've posted is from an art class my hubby taught at church. It shows the artist's severely disabled daughter being lifted up by some of his students. It speaks volumes to me about trust.

I have Parkinson's Disease, which from now on I will refer to as PD. I found out about it 1 1/2 years ago when I was 51. I've been in denial since then, but recently the reality has hit me, hard. This is my story of my struggles and victories. I pray it blesses someone.